HS Man Arrested After Applying For Loan to Renovate Meth Lab

Hot Springs, AR - A Hot Springs man was arrested on Monday for the manufacture and trafficking of a controlled substance after applying for a loan to renovate his meth lab. Hot Springs Police obtained a probable cause search warrant for the man’s residence after receiving a call from Arvest Bank.

“We were alerted by bank staff that a man was in the bank attempting to apply for a 150K loan to upgrade and make safety improvements to his meth lab,” OFC Omar Cervantes said in a statement.

Arvest officials say they were impressed with the detail involved in the application. “He has a really good business model and the bank stands to make a pretty sizeable return on investment. Legally, yes, we had to notify authorities but before doing so approved the loan.”

The bank says they look forward to working with the man after he sorts out his legal issues and being part of one of Arkansas’ safest, most modern meth labs.

“It'll be on par with what you saw in Breaking Bad.”

“Cocaine Bear Challenge” Creates Largest Drug Empire in United States History

Hot Springs, AR - A Hot Springs man chasing internet fame unintentionally started the largest meth empire in U.S. History. The ”Oso Negro” Cartel has become the nation’s number-one producer of meth and one of the world’s most dangerous criminal organizations.

“Little did I know that trying to imitate what I saw in a movie trailer would lead to this.” The man says after watching the trailer for Cocaine Bear, he was curious what would happen if he gave a black bear meth. “How could I have known giving meth to it would trigger self awareness in the animal.” Wildlife experts and those in the scientific community say what the drug caused in the animal was unprecedented. “It’s like if Skynet gained a Scarface-like consciousness.”

The bear, code named Don-Yogi and his human associate have created the most powerful production and distribution networks of meth ever seen. Law enforcement has largely been I’ll-equipped to deal with the organization and that doesn’t seem to change in the near future. “They are fucking bears, a lot of drug pushing bears. What in the fuck are we supposed to do with that?” One official said.

Arkadelphia In A State Of Emergency After Only Sonic Closes

Arkadelphia, AR - The national guard is being dispatched to Arkadelphia to provide entertainment relief efforts after the city's only form of entertainment closed its doors. Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee-Sanders dispatched the guardsman shortly after getting approval from the White House to issue the official state of emergency declaration.

The Red Cross is also gathering supplies to be brought to the area and help with relief efforts. Others from across the state are also donating to help this once-great city in need. “It is wonderful to see so many Arkansans come together in the spirit of compassion to help our brothers and sisters in need in Arkadelphia,” Huckabee-Sanders said in a press release.

The National Guard will be providing a designated “chill” area for residents while the Red Cross will provide powered limeade substitutes, plain hot dogs, and frozen yogurt options. If you would like to assist with relief efforts in Arkadelphia, please contact your local Red Cross center for donation information.