HS Police Chief & GC Sheriff Discuss the Importance of Gag Orders In Interview

Hot Springs, AR - With mounting pressure to end gag orders in the Hot Springs’ criminal justice system, the top cops of the area sat down with Spa City Chronicle to discuss the importance of the orders in a new interview. Sheriff McCormick and Chief Hrvatin both agree that they are a fundamental part of the criminal investigation and prosecution process.

“We rely heavily on gag orders to hide corruption, incompetence, and any kind of accountability for our actions or lack thereof,” Sherriff McCormick said. Chief Hrvatin expanded on that thought, saying, “Primarily we use them in high-profile cases to assist the public in forgetting whatever heinous crime that happened.”

Both the chief and sheriff say utilizing the unique judicial tool has been quite effective in helping citizens forget, for the most part, when a terrible crime has been committed. “Whether it be a horrible murder, missing person, or just a complete fuck up by one of our agencies, gag orders give us the ability to suppress information available to local news, causing less reporting and eventually everyone forgetting.

Both law enforcement officials want the community to understand how important gag orders are to maintaining tourism revenue and law enforcement unaccountability. “No matter the severity of the crime, rest easy, knowing that both the Hot Springs Police Department and Garland County Sheriff's Office will do everything possible to make our community forget when a horrible crime happens.”

Multiverse Theory Suggests Cyclops Version of Arkansas Governor Exists

Little Rock, AR - According to a new study by leading physicists, there is a universe where Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is indeed a cyclops. The lead physicist on the study, Dr. Hank Pym, says the discovery could lead to scientists unlocking the door to the multiverse.

“We have discovered with the Arkansas Governor, a strong connection to her multiverse counterpart,” Pym said in an interview. The study finds that Huckabee-Sanders has a very unique bond with her other universe counterpart, due to the extremely close similarities they share.

“The physical and psychological similarities are astounding. We hypothesize that like our universe’s Governor, the cyclops version has introduced education legislation aimed at indoctrination, child labor, and the dismantling of the separation of church and state,” Pym continued.

What has Pym and other physicists stumped, is the multiverse’s Governor Sanders push for free vision care for all. “Our research suggests that this version’s religious, political, and xenophobic views are not reflected in her views when it comes to vision health.”

The main thing holding scientists back from unlocking the secrets of the multiverse is understanding Cyclops Huckabee-Sanders's vision-health for all stance.

Season 35 of The Simpsons to Start With 2 Part Episode Set in Hot Springs

Hot Springs, AR - Fox’s long-running, hit sitcom, The Simpsons, is rumored to start season 35 with Homer and his family vacationing in Arkansas’ spa city. While official details of the season opener aren’t available, rumors of how Hot Springs will be portrayed in the show have city officials nervous.

A leaked script that was posted to Reddit has the family, and Homer in particular, running afoul of many Hot Springs hot spots. From an overly polluted Lake Hamilton to Bart Simpson coming up missing with little action from Hot Springs Police. The two-part season opener is said to shine a bad light on the vacation destination.

“The city is ready to take legal action against Fox if they move forward with destroying Hot Springs’ reputation with facts masked as jokes,” Mayor Pat McCabe said in a statement. The board of directors, police, and sheriff’s department released a joint statement saying they have all worked too hard to cover up the dark side of Hot Springs to have Hollywood come in and ruin it.

“Hot Springs is as dangerous as Chicago and it takes a coordinated effort from city and county officials to cover up what all goes on here and make it a vacation destination. We don’t need a major TV network coming in and ruining it.”

Hot Springs Police and Garland County Sheriff are especially worried about the rumored storyline involving Bart Simpson going missing and nothing being done by local law enforcement. “Do you realize the shit show that will be unleashed if they shine a light on the unsolved missing persons and murder cases between HSPD and us,” Sheriff McCormick said.